Starring:
Members of the Incognito Critics
Three time Incognito Critic Award Winner Roxthefox (as God)
Two time Incognito Critic Award Winner Zainab (as the Devil)
With a special appearance by Mithin Da.
Directed by:
Neeta, Rox & Zainab
It is the year 2009, and the members of Incognito Critics have just finished celebrating their 50th CC. Their festivities are cut short by a devastating blast, which kills all Critics. Now, they must travel across the gulf of space, into God's court, where they await their judgement from God-- heaven or hell?
TRAILER FOR THE FILM
The multitude of humanity present in the colossal foyer of IC had no idea that their lives were going to come to an end within a matter of a few seconds. No one could have thought, even for a fleeting moment, that the blithe look on the faces of those people, who had gathered to celebrate the silver jubilee of Incognito Critics, was going to be turned into an expression of dismay and horror.
Every person departed from the hall had the same look of happiness on their faces. Until they were tucked safely in their beds. At home.
All critics bid adieu to each other, at the chilly dawn, after partying the entire night. They walked towards their respective homes, expecting the warm and welcoming air of their houses to engulf them at their doorsteps.
While all the critics were peacefully slipping into a world of illusions, Ishan felt the earth shake slightly. He decided to ignore the tremor the first time, but it happened again. This time it was more intense. The critic slipped out of bed, sensing that something was wrong; he opened the front door and stepped out. By now the tremors had become more periodically frequent and more intense. Fear crept up in his eyes as he stared at a nearby flower vase shaking. It seemed as if it was not just an earthquake, as a beam of white light arose out of the skyline and began to diffuse in every form of the sky. As the tremors grew, the critics woke up, and in fear, they all gathered outside and glared at the sky.
Their eyes traveled from the arena of dust to the emerging white light, and their fear grew as the white light blinded their eyes. It was not much time before the white light shot out of its origin and consumed all humans, engulfed them within its delusionary arms in one fleeting moment. Silence prevails.
Simi, the boozer critic held her face in her hands and said with a baffled expression on her face, "Where in the name of the holy god are we?" Riya, the BLs trader of the CC, slowly got up and looked around, seeing nothing but white masses of clouds, she, too replied with a confused expression on her face "Dunno, you think we had too many BLs last night? "
Ramsha searched her memory and snapped "OMG! I sawed a dream about this" By that time, all the critics had woken up and were looking from each other to the weird looking surroundings. Then one thing struck all the dead critics at the same time. Dhara was the first to voice it, "Hang on. if we're dreaming, how come we're all in the same dream ?" As they were mumbling and rambling in order to solve the confusion, they heard a distant voice calling out to them, "CRITICS! You're all seated outside the court of god, whereby, you all will be subjected to a trial"
The voice came from behind an entangled mass of clouds, As the clouds began to drift apart, A Kawasaki Hayabusa came into view. Critics stared with their mouths agape as the bike came to screeching halt next to them and a huge woman stepped down. She was tall and heavy, and had a protruding stomach which looked as if someone had just inflated a balloon. All of them looked up at the huge, heavyset woman, dazed and startled at the traditional-modern bizarre combo.
THE WOMAN HAD A HUGE WHITE MOUSTACHE! She wriggled them back into place as she stomped her way in front of the critics and placed her hands on her huge waist. At that particular moment, a variety of flower petals started to fall from the clouds floating higher up, and music began to play, "Aamie je tomar, shuddho je tomar". She smiled in the most eerie way possible, showing her large and out-of-place teeth. "Main hoon...YAMRAJ ZAINAB" said the self-proclaimed Yamraj in a booming voice. The critics felt the brain inside their skulls shake up.
Yamraj continued, "You're all here to be subjected to a trial by god, whereby your fate will be decided. Please line up" When Zainab noticed that the baffled expression had yet not left the critics' faces, she rolled her eyes and exclaimed, "DUDE ! YOU'RE DEAD ! Why do you think you would be meeting god otherwise?....Stupid mortal fools"
At once, all critics began to sob and cry. In order to save themselves from the facing the wrath of God, they clung to Yamraaj's feet in desperation, "Please spare us ! Please spare us !". Yamraaj looked grossed out, "Filthy Fools, do not stroke my feet with your grubby hands, for your hands entangled with my feet produces an equally hideous combo as KSG's limbs entangled with an art called dance !"
Whilst the Yamraaj jolted the critics away from its feet that appeared to have elephantitis, a sudden ray of silver intense light engulfed the courtyard which nearly blinded the fearful critics.
God descended from heaven with all her feminine glory. She held the DVD of Mission Impossible in one hand, and a bike chain in another-- inspired by her favorite character on TV- Ranvijay. The Critics looked at each other, dazed and confused. "Wait, wasn't God suppose to look like Jesus?" questioned Miloni. 'You mean the man who looks like he was born in California and surfed regularly?' replied Aisha.
PART 4
While the critics scurried around the court in hopes of rescue, Nimmi sat on the ground, still dizzy with the news of how Kareena Kapoor had an abortion at age 16, while Sonam Kapoor had an illicit relationship with Ranbir Kapoor. In hopes of finding lemonade to cure her dizziness, she spoke, "God sounds like an alright guy but what has he done for me lately?"
The Masoom Critics, Mahi and Neha, stood upfront. Mahi turned to Neha, shivering her puny fingers and asked Neha "Does god love their nanna-muna critics?" Neha replied "God loves you Mahi! He really does! He wants to run to you in a field of fluffy dandelions and take you in his arms and hold you and kiss your face and tell you that it's all going to be okay"'
"Yes, but is there going to be Maggie noodles in heaven? " questioned Mahi.
Noreen, who was overhearing the conversation taking place between the two masoom critics, rolled her eyes and said "I knew I shouldn't have watched DMG today. Rox warned me. And now God is releasing His wrath upon us'
Chandu looked up into the sky, and saw Rox emerge: 'HOMMIES! Rox IS God'. All Critics shrieked and began to run in fear. Chaos ensued. 'Behold the wrath of Roxy'-- retorted Caro.
"Don't eat me! I have two masoom critics. Eat them," cried Sayeed. In the midst of the chaos, Sonu, the resident Critic, seemed calm and collected. "I hope she lets me spam in heaven"
On the other end of the court, handsome hunk Ishan was busy dozing off and dreaming about a bikini clad Shilpa Anand. He suddenly awoke from all the chaos and stood there for 10 minutes, scratching his head, his chin, and other places for equilibrium. Upon his realization that Rox was indeed God, he claimed "So God is now revealing himself.. or Herself through the chat club section of an Indian entertainment message board? Man, God has really lowered His standards these days"
The Almighty, who was angered by the maddening chatter amongst the Critics, spoke in a loud voice "Silence My Children. The Day of Judgment has arrived and you all shall know your ultimate destination, heaven or hell, this day. As I analyze your deeds, my angels will assist you in following directions. I bless."
The Trial Room guard marched towards the critics lined up. Upon a closer look, the critics realized that the guard was none other than Mithun! Now, we're not sure what Mithun is doing in this story, but we deduce that it has something to do with his recent ecstasy trip to Dance India Dance. He clearly could not handle Alisha's sensational item number, and experienced a seizure. One by one, all of the critics gave a grand salute to the Guard. Mithun laid his eyes on Neeta, winked at her and said "you are mindddddddddddblowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwing"... so you get to go in first'
Neeta Kapoor shyly walked into the Trial Room with a Danny boy poster in one hand and HP series in her other hand. A born genius, who is hit for making them aunties and children cry by her heavy vocabulary, maintained her posture calm as she walked towards the court. As God flipped through the pages of Neeta's book of deeds, Her fingers quivered on PG 69, when God noticed that Ms. Kapoor experienced wet dreams about Daniel Radcliffe at age 11. God inquired "My child, will you care to explain why you had rainy dreams that too of man who you can't even call a 'man"
"Well you see God, Radcliffe is a man with an amiable grin, intellect wits, strapping carcass, and striking oval - shaped bifocals. Through deductive reasoning, I can pledge you that if YOU assert him to be a "half" man, then you indeed are deriding your own creation and if you do so, then you dare mock your own nature. Now through inductive reason, I can assure you that YOU would not want to be proven erroneous since then all your commands will be snatched away by the Yamraaj. Of course, you wouldn't be so entertained by such a blasphemerous idea, so I'
God's brain: Oh Myself, I wish she'd talk in shoet hand. What does that mean? Better say something or she'll think you're stupid.
"My child, you have chosen to worship an imposter. He is a woman trapped inside a boy's body. I damn you to hell Not only that, but you offend thyself by using such large words to communicate. My child, are you not aware that I was created billions of years ago? There were no dictionaries or books in that age"
"But God, didn't you create the world? Than how can you claim that you were created" asked Neeta
"SILENCE! The last time anyone questioned my authority, I let the Vietnam War happen. I condemn you to hell"
With God's last word, Zainab the devil dragged Neeta to the gates of Hell.
"Hey there Pretty Lady, aa chalti kya, God ne bulaya'
God observed Chandu for a brief moment, as if she was searching her memory, and spoke "My Child, I have witnessed your obsession with the world of science. Whether it's your knowledge of the SA node, or proteins, you have always placed your knowledge of science before me. Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins a movie by telling you how it ends. There are some things we don't want to know. Important things"
Chandu, who was angered by God's admission, quarreled back. "If the knowledge of deoxygenated and oxygenated blood along with AV node and bicuspid valve had not been provided to mankind by science, then the race of hawt men such as Baichung, Silly Billy, or HomMiE KSG would have been wiped out from the face of earth. Seeing is believing. The less science available, the less power you hold."
God simply looked down upon the lifeless soul and spoke, "My Child, You do not believe in me or My Mad Skills. You shall experience another death, one that is more excruciating than the last one. I'm reserving you a first class ticket to the bowels of the omniverse upon your death. It will be a very untimely death."
"Should I tell him before we're separated?" pondered Huma mentally. At the same time, Huma #2 sat mulling over the same idea, "I think I should tell him now, what's there to lose anyway?" and with that thought, both of them got up together, unaware of either of their intentions, and walked towards where Sayeed sat, apparently mumbling to himself. As they got closer, they could hear what he was saying '
"She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, She loves me not'..She loves me, she loves me not" Sayeed paused for a sigh and continued, "I should have told her when she had come to visit us on Earth. Now that I'm dead, I've lost my chance forever"
Huma and Huma#2 stared at each other in confusion. Meanwhile Sayeed persisted with his introspection, "Oh Jadooni ! How I wish I had stopped you when you walked inside that spaceship, away from me forever!"
Sayeed continued, "You're the most beautiful alien I have ever seen" he finished with another sigh.
Huma and Huma#2 stood still with shock as the fact registered within their minds, they felt their hearts break ' Sayeed was in love with an alien.
In the intervening time, Mithun Da exclaimed, "UP NEXT ' SIMI !"
God looked at the girl disdainfully and thought, " Am I to deal with such a barbarian?!" "Simi, you have committed some formidable crimes, the most heinous being involvement in homosexuality. Other crimes include, distributing BLs among the underage, resolute alcoholism. My child, you do not have the right to abuse my creations. They're extremely valuable, and do not deserve to be contaminated by unfit people like you. It is my Holy request that you break off all ties with Riya"
Simi kept staring at God throughout her nonsensical speech, and when she finished, she said in a low voice, "Abe..Tune abhi kya baqwaas ki ? Apun ke bheje mein kuchh nahi ghusa ! BLs kha bachhoo..tera dimaag ekdum track pe aa jayega" she finished with fishing out a dabba of BLs and offering them to god.
God looked at her incredulously for a while and finally said, "My child, you have had the nerve of affronting my esteemed creations, and this distasteful act has completely grossed me out, you nitwit. I henceforth damn your soul to rot in hell forever."
Mithun strode towards the perfectly lined up critics and observed, his eyes fell upon a particular girl who he instantly deduced to be insane, "Hey you ! Bhikhari-dance ki fan ! You're up next"
Riya got up and hopped towards the confession box humming 'Aaye Pappi, Aaye Pappi aye..Aye Pappi .. let me take you higher! Higher and higher' to herself. Mithin interrupted her and said 'Well you can't get any higher than this' and broke out into manic laughter. She continued to bounce even while standing in the confession box. God felt insulted and ignored and bellowed, "RIYA ! How dare you ignore the handsome Almighty before you and dance to the tunes of Shahid Kapur ? You shall be persecuted for this serious breach of the laws set by me!"
Riya looked up at God and said, "God, Shahid Kapur is my one and only 'Bakhuda'" she paused for a sigh, which came naturally to her whenever she thought of Shahid, she slipped into a trance and continued to rave about Shahid, "My SaSha is so handsome..He has exquisite eyes, alluring physique, an august face..."
God gaped at her as if she was being trashed to the lowest level of hell, "My child, you have made the almighty feel belittled and auxiliary, a feeling which has not been felt by God. Ever. And I do not like it. You are damned to hell."
As Riya was being dragged to the bloodcurling gates of hell, Mithun da was ordered to bring in the next victim.
"My child, Mitsy, how is ma girl?' God raised Her Almighty hands in midair, and pointed towards Kanika. "And you, Kanikaa, back off dude. I have noticed both of your obsessions with certain fictional characters. I have also witnessed the long nights you have spent worshipping Sajan and Mayur. My children, despite my efforts to create sexual tensions between Samrat and RV, you have still not reduced your obsessions. Keep worshipping your false idols. Really. It does not get old. We do not feel slighted in the least up here"
"You ungrateful pricks. I damn you."
The trial session proceeded and the ever innocent Dhara skipped near God. She smiled innocently as she looked at her, and inquired "God is there any way I can contact you from Heaven? Like any mailing list? You see I would like to keep myself updated on KaSh, and whether they will be seen together again"
"My child, God does not have an email address. She still uses a pager. I know, I know. But she's old and stuck to Her ways."
Sugary Dharu got irritated and inquired once more, "God I asked you when I will see Shona again! You know what? If you're so Almighty and powerful, why couldn't you bring Shona back? After all, you did like Shona as well. I don't believe in your powers"
God eyed her in horror as she was surprised to see sugary Dhara turn into a salty Dhara and declared, "My Child, you not only have disrespected my authority, but you have also made me despise my own creature which is against my holy nature. You can hope for Shona in the deepest layer of hell. I damn you."
"When you arrive in the bowels of the omniverse, I will set the thermostat down there to a toasty 1,475,000 degrees centigrade. My Father lets me use it now since I've turned two thousand"
"Burn in Hell,
God"
While the fate of fellow Critics was being decided, Sonia sat outside, as she spent the last few moments with the critics. She turned to Caro, and pondered for a while. "You know Caro, Rox once said something that really stuck with me. She said, 'Sonu, you're a big disappointment', and God bless her soul, she was really onto something."
She made her way into God's court." Yo God, what's with the beard? It makes you look like you've got something to hide."
"My child, Helen of Troy likes how it tickles. That is beside the point. I have witnessed you consulting to an imposter of mine. Someone who imitates thyself. My child, instead of consulting a psychiatrist, you had consulted an imposter."
"What do I need a psychiatrist for? I know I'm nuts" replied Sonu.
"My child, this does not excuse the fact that you mock me. I had sent you several signs through your dreams, in particular, one where you drown in blood, but alas, you paid no heed to my plea. Accept me and worship my greatness or be prepared to be scarred by thousand flaming swords in the bowels of the omniverse post-haste postmortem. I believe you were led astray by an imposter; therefore, I forgive and bless."
"With flying saucers, it's hard not to spill it." And roared with laghter at his own joke.
While Sayeed was busy distracting other critics from the dread that awaited them, Mithun Da approached Sayeed, and pointed one long, slender finger towards God's court. "Sayeed go home". Sayeed entered the gates of trial with a pair of killer shades and an AK-347 to commemorate his Don-like image.
"My child, I have witnessed your stark obsession with aliens and the supernatural world. Yet, I have never seen you speak of God. Tell me then, my child, if aliens are the omniverse, and all knowing, why do they make crop circles?"
"Because they are corny" replied Sayeed.
"My child, you have devoted your life to finding aliens. They cannot find what doesn't exist. Except for these fake Martians. I damn you to spend the rest of the eternity, hovering in a spaceship."
Before Sayeed could react, he was whisked away to a UFO.
God eyes down the handsome hunk while She speaks," My child, do you think you hold anything against myself? I'm God, for my sake! You think the every male up here deosn't release buckets of love excitement upon gazing into my dreamy eyes? Just last night I had a tete-a-tete with Paul Newman and Raj Kapoor."
"But God, is it my fault that I'm so handsome and charming that all the women of IC love me? Besides, my heart only belongs to Shilpa Anand!"
" My child, I have witnessed your affairs with countless women. Your casanova ways have left many women of IC heartbroken. I'm beginning to regret this whole free will thing. Thus, I have no option but to damn you. However, I will not damn you into the gates of Hell. I damn you to spend the entire eternity in a woman's body. Mr. Ishan Bharti, I hope you know how to give yourself a Brazilian wax"
God shrieked in horror, as if she had seen Shradha Nigam. "For My sake, this is more painful than watching KSG dance on Mai Laila Laila Chilaaonga Kurta Phaad ke!"
Huma batted her eyelashes. "God, if you recall, my fellow critics awarded me with the Runway award at the Critics Awards"
"My child, for this fashion crime, commonly referred to as parachute pants by creatures of Earth, I sentence you to spend 50 days in the gates of Hell." As God flips through Huma's book of deeds, she stumbles upon page 43.
"My child, I have witnessed you preaching my ways often." Pause.
"My child, who the hell do you think you are? Me? You will not be joining us. I damn."
"My child. I have come to know about your addiction with the luscious lips of Shilpa Anand and hence with the name 'luscious' itself '"
"CALL ME LUCIOUS ONE MORE TIME, AUR TERI MAAA KI (#$)#$()@4.. FLIPPIN' LOSER) # ($)@#($#) !"
God was startled. She stared back at him, aghast and shocked, "The last time someone blasphemed me like this, I let Hurricane Katrina happen. My child, you will be watching Ronaldo play in hell. I damn."
Noreen trembled as she reached her final destination. She had regretted not listening to God's earlier advice. Ramsha was content, as she believed that she would be travelling to Heaven. She knew that she never sawed DMG, while Miloni and Ash were busy planning out Sonam Kapoor's murder, so that she can join them in Heaven.
Norr fell to God's feet and begged for the Allmighty's forgiveness. "I PROMISE! I'LL NEVER WATCH DMG AGAIN"...
"My Child, you like the chemical king and DMG. No one should be laughing at this. You like DMG. That's a stain on humanity"
Kully, on the other hand seemed excited to meet God.
'Hey God, nice to finally meet you. BTW, is God a nickname? Oh, and now to the real question, can you tell me more about Deepika? What is she like? What is she wearing at this moment, if anything? "
"Thanks for your interest in my ways. To answer your queries: God is not a nickname. It is my name. I battled for eighteen years with knowledge that I was My Father's son. I'm not going to get bent out of shape over a nickname. Deepika?? I let millions die every day, allow wars to be waged in My name and let millions upon millions upon millions more--most children--go to bed hungry and unloved every night. And you query about Deepka? You are a strange individual. We will study you more before we reach a decision." With that said, Kully was to spend the next 100 years in purgatory.
"My Child, I see that little children and old aunties feared you?"
She abruptly stops the humming and asserts vigorously, "In the world below yours, I was worshipped by your creatures as I had been served with powers and if anyone dared my supremacy or Bipasha, then I banned them for life."
Goddess was stunned to see a mere mortal speak to her in such an aggressive manner that she raised her voice significantly and declared "Go ahead my child. I see you are daring God Almighty's authority. Challenge the claim. I dare you. I dare you with eternal damnation in the bowels of the omniverse known as Hell. I double dog dare you."
"My child, how goes it? I have witnessed your sadistic nature and acts of torture against fangirls of all kind. I have also witnessed you praise God, and wanting to become partners with God to watch horrendous acts being committed to fangirls. I shall reserve you a first class ticket to Heaven, where you shall enjoy the fruits. Not only that, I shall assign a two thousand peasants to serve in your honor."
Although Huma was estatic, her modest nature interrupted her. "But God, I don't deserve such a bounty--"
"Okay, if you say so" and within a split second, Huma was thrown into Hell. After an excruciating ten minutes, she was pulled back.
'God! What in the name''
'I was just kidding. He he. Come my child, the Heaven awaits you. If you promise to forget Shah Rukh Khan, I shall send you back to Earth to torture the fan girls'
'Mujhe mera star yaad agaya!' replied God, as tears rolled down her cheeks. Within a few seconds, Jay met with an awful accident, where he attempted a stunt that Salman Khan was to perform on a dance show, but failed miserably. He was instantly sent to Heaven, to please Huma. As he was beign dragged, he kept crying 'Nahiiiiiiii! Main vidhur ho gaya!'
Nimmi was the next to stand in trial. My child, I have noticed that you have been quite vocal about politics and human rights. You have been quite the subjective person and I have witnessed you raise a few questoins on Mr. George W. Bush-- another creation of mine. My child, you must understand, this is all God's plan. You must not contest it and challenge God's plan by promoting Obama. You must understand that people must fear me first. My child,how can people love Me if they do not fear Me first? You would think after two millennia of allowing wanton slaughter and disease and hunger and literally a bajillion gabillion deaths I would be more feared and, thus, more loved"
"If I tell you people that I love you, then what? No more fear. This reminds me, I have to go make sure some of those Africans starve a little while longer."
'But God, you have praised my works many times before. You have blessed me with your bounty. I'"
'My child, fear not. I have reserved a spot for you in Heaven. I shall visit you occasionally and we shall both make sure that Ron Howard never wins an Oscar'
Caro makes her way to God's court, after a lot of thakofying and langoofying. She contests God's authenticity by questioning her: "Yo God, how many fingers am I holding up?"
"You should not be questioning me on how many fingers you are holding up. You should be questioning me on how many fingers you will lose in an "accident" tomorrow"
"Sleep well,
You will be placed in the purgatory."
PART 20
After all critics were segregated into their respective realms, and God had blissfully espaced into the world of 'Tom-Cruise-on-a-beach' dreams, Silence prevailed across the arena possessed by God. No sound could heard, No movement could be detected - The only thing that was visible was the swirling mass of clouds. And then, slowly, the scene dissovled into nothingness.
The scene now shifted to a metropolitan city, which seemed to along with the pace of time. In a lone flat, Miloni woke up feeling giddy. She held her face in her hands and recalled the very vivid dream she had, "What was all that ? I've never had such an uncanny dream before..Usually I dream about Sonam Kapoor"
"It felt so real..as if it had happened in actuality.." She shook her head as she tried to recall everything
And not only Aisha, these were the concurrent thoughts churning within the minds of each critic. And they all dismissed it as an eerie dream.
The scene dissolved once again, and shifted to the brightly lit horizon, which was being approached by a figure who looked very much like a woman.
Upon a closer look, reality sets in that it is actually God. The same god that all critics had dreamt about. The same God who was roxthefox. She was walking towards the horizon, whereby Tom cruise awaited her, with open arms, finally to be united with her one and only love.
As she was gliding towards him, she stopped for a moment and turned around. With a mystical smile plastered on her face, she spoke, "This is not the end Critics, it might just not be a dream..Enjoy your last day on Earth.."
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