Monday, June 8, 2009

Red Carpet for Incognito Critics - 50th CC

Red Carpet


We're here live from the Chat Club section on India Forums, and today is a huge today. Today, the Critics are celebrating their 50th CC! In just a few moments, the Critics will be joining us on the Red Carpet for the premiere of their first feature film "Incognito Critics- The Film' along with the after party.

So here I am, your host and dost for the evening, Foxy Roxy!

And as you can see, there's my co-host, blowing kisses from the other end of the red carpet, Dhara.

Together, we're Dhoxy! Ek classy, tho dusri massi! We'll be interviewing the stars of the film, as they make their way down the red carpet.

Things are starting to heat up on the red carpet, and it's getting very, very exciting out here, as more and more guests are arriving. Camera, can we catch a glimpse of our guest who is entering through the security tent? There we go, there's the close up. Well folks, it's none other than the Writer/Director of the Film-- Neeta Kapoor. We're just waiting for Neeta to make her way up the media line'

So as you can see, she recently got a very interesting 'boyish' haircut and she looks to be wearing an interesting outfit. A little dominatrix for my taste, but I'm not the fashion police here!

'Hello Rox'

Well hello Ms. Neeta, so good to see you here today on this red carpet. You must be so excited, that your CC has reached it's pinnacle of success, and of course, you have directed this film.

'Yes, there are numerous contapenent pails of exuberance being released at this indefinitely fractious moment'

'Yes that's fantastic. In shoet hand please?'

'Lisen, I'm juss ecksited to bee hair.'

'Now Ms Neeta, I can see that you're wearing a very interesting outfit, but did you forget to wax your chest and your face? I see a little grizzly action going on there'

'Listen, do you think it's easy going through puberty? Anyway, my boyfriend Daniel Radcliffe likes how it tickles'

'Well that's fantastic Neeta and I hope you have a great time tonight. Right now, I'm going to send it over to my partner Dhara.


Alright thanks very much Roxy, as you can see here, I'm chatting to Kully, who is looking absolutely lovely in white.

I see that you're flying solo tonight, why is that?

Well you see, my boyfriend and i have parted ways as his parents are considering Katrina to be their bahu, they like her accent.. Besides, he is not a member of the Critics, right? Anyway, I only came here to see what that home wrecker Sonam is upto.

Well Kully, I wish you all the best, and secretly hope that you and Sonam get into a cat fight. It would help our trps. Ooops, did I say that out loud? Roxy, I think it's a good time to cut it over to you.

*nervous laughter*


Well thank you Dhara, I am now standing here with a very famous member of Incognito Critics. His name is Ishan, and he's known for having a Casanova image.

Ishan, how true are these rumors?

Well you see, I'm a rare species on Incognito Critics. There are too many women, and too few men, and me being the best looking out of the three, the gals are always fighting over me. But my true love is Shilpa Anand.

Now Ishan we heard that Shilpa has broken up with her boyfriend, and that you both spent some time together, and this is the reason behind your sudden absence from Incognito Critics.

That is utter rubbish! Who was the sick minded, disgusting, low grade, carpet muncher, arse who wrote this junk?

It was Ankit.

Well it's absolutely true. Shilpa and I are married and I'm carrying her child.

Um, Ishan, but you're a male.

I'm aware of this fact also.

Well ahah *wipes sweat from forehead*' well we hope you enjoy the party, it is ---


OH MY GOD ! Sorry Roxy, we have to cut your interview short but something caught our attention.

I have arrived!

Well Zainab, welcome'. You have very interesting taste in clothes.

I was inspired by a garbage bag.

That's quite apparent. Don't you think you're dressed a little inappropriate for the party? I mean, did you look at the mirror when you left the house?

Darling, haven't you read my interviews? I don't own mirrors and brush.

Your outfit has caused quite the commotion, so we're going to try our level best to not talk about it. As you know, today is the 50th bash, and'. Dear GOD what the HELL are you wearing?

I will do anything for the sake of trps for our CC. IT is the best CC fo sho. If it wasn't for this CC, I would have never learned the true ways of a HoMmie.

Zainab, you're truly a bindaas critic, even if your outfit is absolutely horrendous. You have done a lot for this CC, and enjoy your night because'. Oh my god, my eyes are burning. Just leave now. Camera, over to Roxy.


I'm just waiting for Noreen to make her way to me so that I can chat with her. She's busy talking to other press members. Here she is now.

Noreen, you look absolutely lovely. A little on the manly and heavy side, but hey! No one's perfect right? So can you tell us the secret behind your sudden muscle gain?

I've been drinking protein shakes.

You mean roids?

No, I mean chemical shakes.


No, herb shakes.

You mean like roids?

Yeah, that's exactly what I was trying to say!

It's good that we're on the same chapter. Now, as you know, this CC was started to discuss about DMG, but it seems everyone has abandoned that show. How do you feel about that?

Well, to tell you the truth, it hurts a lot. I spend long hours in a dark corner of my room, rolled up into a fetus position, while sobbing and sucking my thumb.

That's exactly what I wanted to hear. That's the attitude. Now how has your journey been on IC?

It's been great. I mean, we don't agree a whole lot, but at the end of the day, I'm a critic right?

Noreen, what are you holding in your hand?

It's a protein shake.

Riggggght. I'm going to hand over the mic to Dhara.


I'm standing here right now with the Don of our CC, Mr. Sayeed.

Sayeed, you're looking dashing as always. What do you have to say about the 50th bash?

Well it's so good to come out and celebrate with my fellow Critters, especially since this is the last time we'll see each other before that meteor strikes Earth and kills us all.

And there you have it, folks. Some comforting words from our former resident Critic.

Hey Dhara, what do you call a spaceship with a faulty air-conditioning unit?

A ja'

A frying saucer. Ha Ha Ha.

Roxy, Sayeed looks like he's experiencing a seizure. Over to you.


I've been speaking to the ever so gorgeous, Ms. Riya.

Ms Riya, is it true that you share illicit relationship with another critic?

Please Roxy, I don't talk about my private life, especially not in the CC, and especially not at such an event. Please have some decency! I came here to celebrate my bond with the rest of the critics, and here you are, questioning about my relationships. please, my lips shall remain sealed otherwise my ex-lover Harman may ask me to do Love Story 3050 for revealing too much.

You know, even if God came down and asked me, I wouldn't reveal anything. IT's not in my nature to put my private life in front of other critics. You need to learn professionalism. I'm very famous in this CC, and I won many awards at the 1st annual Critic Awards, and despite being such a respected member, you ask me such ghaatiya sawals. I can---'

What's her name?


But I have now left her for the love of my life, Shahid Kapur. I'm soooo in love.

That's good to hear. Now about Incognito Critics, when did you'

I know, I know. Shahid is the best thing to happen to me. He has the most perfect smile, the most perfect eyes.. aye pappi!

I'm glad to hear that you're happy. So, how has your experie'

It's so great, Sasha and I are together all the time. We go for long walks, because we live in the same apartment. Simi tries to create problems, that ********, but at the end, no one can come between us.

Are you excited to watch the film?

Well, not really. Sasha is not here with me. Usually he's always with me, but that stupid Grandmother of his, Vidya Balan, has been trying to snatch him from me. It won't happen. I mean, Sasha and I are soulmates. You know, this one time, Simi fed me so many BL's that I had alcohol poisoning. My Sasha took me to the hospital and he was there with me all night. What a januable!

Dhara, PLEASE, take it away.


Uh'. I'm here with a very famous Critic. She '.well have a look.

Welcome Sonu, it's good to see you look so different on the red carpet. Could you maybe explain your attire to us?

I'm the resident critic. I'm on day and night, and for that reason, I barely sleep and I'm always tired. I thought it's better to bring my boria bistara along, since I'm going to be here all night.

Sonia, you are a legend.

Blah blah blah. Tell me something I don't know.

Now tell us, you must be very excited to see this CC of ours reach it's 50th mark. How do you plan to party?

I'm just here to spam.

Ok. Um, can you tell us what you like the most about this CC?


Ok' is there any messages you want to give to your fellow Critics?

Keep spamming.

While Sonu spams, I'm going to pass it over to Rox.


I'm standing here with the ever so beautiful Miloni. You are looking absolutely stunning today!

Thank you Rox. I wish I could say the same about you and that ***** Kully.

Wow Miloni, I always thought you were the sweet critic. This is unexpected.

Sorry Rox, I'm just frustrated that KaSh aren't back on screen.

Well I understand your frustration. If you want, you can take it out on Jahluka. Here's a knife.

Thank you Roxy. I just love you and all the Critics. I've been part of this amazing CC since day one. We have all been through so much, and I have discovered all my sisters here. I just love each and all of you with the deepest'

Boring. Over to you Dharu.


Roxy! Mayday! Mayday! I need your help. One of our critics, as she was waslking the red carpet, passed out! I need help! Code red, code red!

Oh my God Simi! Are you ok?

Shutup you fat pumpkin!

Roxy interrupts: Dhara, I think we should cut it over to me.

Simi: how dare you? If I wz dere, you'd be finished by now.

Roxy: I think we need to call security.

Dharu: I think we need to call the SWAT team.

Simi: I think you need to call the DEV team. U kant toch me! I am protected in Iqbals fat. I destroy u wiv ma shoet pinky u horeebal purson.

Rox: Dharu, she likes fat. Get her a cheesecake. That'll calm her.

Simi: shrrup! I onlee eet BL's! I been thoosin on BL's ever sinz dat homewrecker Shahid Kapur stole my Riya from me. Im gunna get bak at her. U woch u just woch. Im gona bee in 3 way relayshunship with Saifeena.

Simi, why have you been in such a mess of state?

Errr day, dat Jahluka stand outside my window n force me to woch chaliya. But I onlee cum here 2 have raat ka nasha wid sukeerti. We half special bond of frandsheep.

*Simi starts beating the camera man*

We're so sorry guys! Let's all forget that incident, and act like it never happened.

*Rox calls up Ramu Kaka*

Ramu Kaka, make sure this story is in the headlines news tomorrow.


I'm standing here with one of our newest critics. Welcome to the bash and our family.

Well Nimmi, you're so intellectual, that we're not even going to try to make fun of you.




*crickets chirping*

So''.like stuff?

Well, actually, I do. I love politics, especially Obama. In fact, I even campaigned for him. You know the great thing about beign American is that you get your voice heard. So I guess in that since, I'm a critic. I also like high brow movies, and yes, I'm a pretentious film snob, but you see I have many other interests, such as books, poetry, and youtube videos. So there's a lot that I could tell you in the span of'



*cuts to Roxy*

Folks, Dhara has fallen unconscious. Until she comes back to life, I will take over. Right now, I'm standing with Aisha, but I'm having a difficult time trying to see her due to her transperecy.

Hello Aisha, how are you today?

Well Roxy, I had to take out time from my exams to make it to the bash. I've been here since day one, so I know I had to come and celebrate our 50th CC! But it was just so difficult because I have 8 exams and I have so much to study. I'm so stressed right now, I don't know what to do.

*roxy pats Aisha on her back*

There there dear. You know we don't give a damn. Now, can you tell us when you're planning to tan?

Well, I can't. I'm a vampire.


*Aisha bites Roxy in the neck*


Ohhhhhhh kay. Well that was interesting. While Roxy recovers from the blood loss, I'm going to interview our next guest to walk up the red carpet. It's one of our newest critics. Hey Caro, how you doing?

Well I just came back from thakoofying. I have to manage this CC, take care of my bekaari league, and I have been working on Ghaati songs for this CC all day.

Would you like to give us a preview?

Cri ti quing

Cri ti quing

Cr ti quing

Sounds great. Well you look erm' lovely. How did you put this outfit together?

Well I was reading a woman's magazine, and it gave you tips. I went to Walmart to get my outfit, and here I am!

Now how has your experience been with the incognito Critics?

They're all plotting against me.

How do you know that?

You told me.

Ermmm. Folks, while I duck tape Caro's mouth, I'm going to pass it over to Roxy.


Dhara, I'm now with one of Incognito Critics' most adorable members, Chandani:

Hello silly billis!

Chandani, as you know, there are some after party activities that are going to take place. I know that you're one of the team leaders for an activity, and I've heard the game has been rigged, and that you anad your team already have access to the answers and will win? How true are these rumours.

They are very much true.

So' what you're saying is, the game is rigged and you'll win regardless?

You got it. Besides, that's how I won jhalak.

Now, is it true that you're in a relationship with another critic?

Well, we did have a fling, but it was nothing more. My heart belongs to my love Billy, and I know that she's been trying to set her paws on Billy, but at the end of the day, he's mine.

So the rumours are true! Well Chandu, can you reveal the name of this alleged critic whom you had a fling with, and who is eyeing your current beau, so we can shame and ridicule them?

Yes, it's Sonia.

Perfect! Well thank you so much for chatting with us Chandani, and I hope you have a fantastic time at the bash! Let's see who you've got there, Dharu!


Roxy, I'm standing with one of our older critics, who's been very MIA lately. We're surprised she even came to the bash. Welcome, Sidra.

Sidra, tell us, what's the reason behind yoru sudden disappearance?

Well I've been taking acting classes.

We admire the effort, but when you know you're going to fail, why even try? Trying is the first step to failure. Can you tell us what you've been doing while you were absent?

I've been busy holding anti-dostana campaigns as well as working on my wig. This one is very worn out, so I have to kill a few critics tonight, cut their hair and paste it to my head.

Well all the best to you. Neeta has some facial and chest hair tht could be taken care of, if you know what I mean. Now, I see that you've gained a lot of weight since the last time I saw you. Why is that?

I've been eating a lot of tacos.

Is that a taco in your mouth right now?

Yes it is.

Ok, well we're going to let Sidra enjoy her tacos, in the meanwhile, who have you got there Roxy?


I'm chatting with our masoom critic, Mahi, who doesn't look so masoom right now.

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Tell us Mahi, are you getting married?

I'm too young to get married! Besides, I have to find a guy who matches my preferences!

And what's that?

He should know how to make Maggie noodles.

Mahi, I hate to tell you the truth at such a young age, but you're going to be single forever.

So you mean I'm gonna die single?

Well, no. You're going to drown in a tub full of Maggies. At least you will be with your loves when you die. But let's not talk about our horrible futures. You look lovely today. Can you tell us about this fine jewelry that you are wearing?

Well you see, I was given a choice to between Noreen and yourself, Roxy. Noreen wanted to be with me and Roxy wanted to adopt me. Noreen promised me that she would give me all the love in the world, and always take care of me, always look after me, and you promised to give me the family jewels. I made a choice that any sane human would make'I went for the family jewels.

Ata girl! Materialism zindabaad! Well, it was lovely speaking to you. Hey, look over there! It's a tray full of Maggie noodles!


*Mahi looks away, while Rox takes off her necklace and puts it in her bag*

Over to you, D!


Kanika is going to approaching us shortly. As you can see here, Kanika looks very baked and hammered, so for the decency of our show, and because this is a family show, we're going to refrain from making such comments.

Hello Dhara, I finally came. I had to ditch chasmish just to make it to the party.

I'm glad you made it, Kanika. Now can you tell us why you look so hammered and baked?

It's because I am. I was so excited to be here, that I partied in the limo.

*Kanika starts grinding against Dhara*

Um Kanika, this is a family show. Some please! Save the masoom critics! Oh wait' OMG! Look, it's Mitsy!

*Kanika stops dancing, and shares an intense eye lock with Mitsy*

Ahh'. Guys? Guys? Hello? Can you stop staring at each other??? I'm here too, you know!! I think it's better to cut it over to Roxy for now!


Rox: OMG! Look who's here! The hottest looking diva on this planet. *Fanboy screech*

Sam: Oh Thank you. I am '

Rox - OMG, You know girls stare at you more than your hunkish Boyfriend? What do you have to say about that?

Sam - Well that's quite normal. Who do you think I am? Kareena? People have to notice me otherwise you know I can go 'round wich you all!

Rox ' Sam, you've seen just about all Chat Clubs. How do you feel about Incognito Critics?

Well Rox, I'm not going to lie, nor am I going to take bribes. I honestly feel that this is the best chat club in the history of chat clubs. Because of you guys, the tourist population of CC section has tripled. I'm thankful for you guys to bring us so much business. You guys are just too awesome.

*Roxy pays Sam under the table*

Back to you, D!


Um, Roxy'. I'm still here with Mitsy and Kanika, who are still engaged in an eye lock session.

Guys, do you need a room?

Mitsy, oh uh, sorry. Hey Dhara' how are you ma gurl?

Well I'm great, and it's so good to see you. Come, give me a jhappi.

Mitsy, who whoa wait! Back off, dude. Koi humey touch karey, humey acha nahi lagtha.

Kanika: Dude, woh tho sirf'

Mitsy: humey koi aur advice dey, yeh hum se bardasht nahi hota. Stop flaring your nose.

Kanika: Aaj tak purey CC main kisi nai mujhse unchi awaz mai nahi baat ki.

*Kanz and Mitsy are now hitting each other*

OMG!!! A fight has broken out on the red carpet! Let's all sit back and watch! Popcorn please!


Go Mitsy gooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh uh, hi folks! I'm here with another one of my masoom critters, Ramsha.

Ramsha, don't you think you're revealing too much skin for such a young Critic? I mean, this is a family party, after all.

I know, but I sawed this costume in my dream and I knewed it that I had to wear it.

Ramsha, do you think you're setting up a bad example for other masoom critics, such as Mahi and Neha?

Yes absolutely. That's the whole point. Now where's Shona?



Shona is inside the movie theater, waiting for you. She falled on the red carpet so we had to rush her in.

OMG?! She felled? I'm going to her rescue! Bye!

Uhh' ok? Well dharu, who do you have with you right now?


Well I'm standing here with the ever so beautiful Gagan. Welcome to the bash.

Thanks Dhara. I had to come here, since I have the number one CC in the Chat club section.

Um, actually that's us.

No Dhara, you're wrong, you haven't seen our trps! It's sky high!

Gagan, we're just going to pretend that we didn't hear anything. So how is---


Gagan, I wanted to ask you about this Chat'

You know, I'm so pissed these days! I'm not even getting enough screen times. My retarded costars are taking the spot light away from me. I won't tolerate this. I AM GOING TO BAN YOU ALL!!!!!

But Gagan, tonight is '

OMG! Is that Gauhar Khan over there? That *****

Gagan, are you trying to say that you want to pull her hair and punch her in the face?

Well not really, I was'

GREAT! Here's a glove. Beneath the eyes. Well we'd love to stay and chat, but we have better things to do. Over to you Roxy!

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